Seven and Tokyo's Very Professional and Revered Opinions on the 97th Academy Awards

seven: aaaaand we’re back.

tokyo: you know, i’m nervous. you know what happened last time rachel sennott and bowen yang got together to announce something?

seven: what?

tokyo: nothing.

seven: what??

tokyo: that’s the point - nothing. served a whole lot of nothing. now, emilia perez has the most noms this season. thirteen. what have they done to deserve thirteen nominations?!

seven: i don’t know. you’re making me nervous too. we’re treating this more seriously than our high school graduations.

tokyo: i mean - you’ve got a suit on.

seven: oh, this old thing?

tokyo: stop. you know, the film magazine i’m writing for at brown is hosting oscars 2025 predictions on fantasy espn. i’m #teamdune2, obviously.

seven: oh, in a perfect world it would be that and conclave sweep.

tokyo: i hope i win so much money.
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seven: did you see that tweet about some oscar voters not voting ralph fiennes for best actor because they thought he’d already won it once?

tokyo: i’m losing my mind. they treat this like a casual book club where they just skim the synopsis and hope for the best. this is why we need voter literacy tests.

seven: they’re letting anybody vote for this thing these days.

tokyo: yeah.

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seven: i love conan o’brien. best late night show host out there.

tokyo: controversial! when graham norton is right there?

seven: best american late night show host.

tokyo: i always thought he was irish.

seven: you think every good thing is irish.

tokyo: well, yes!

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seven: they just gave best editing to anora. this feels incorrect for me to say aloud, but this is reality now.

tokyo: whoever on the challengers marketing board must have pissed off the academy real bad. i mean - not even a nomination? that was oscar-worthy. not…this.

seven: this is actually crazy. last year it was oppenheimer. that felt correct. this does not.

tokyo: we need nolan back. half of hollywood’s a-listers isn’t here tonight because they’re all off on some secluded island in scotland filming the odyssey.

seven: i’m so seated. he’s going to detonate the sun for historical accuracy or something.

tokyo: probably. the entire movie’s timeline will be played in reverse. we’re going to start off with ten years with the cyclops. telemachus will be a mirage.

seven: and that’s gonna win best editing.

tokyo: obviously.

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seven: how is he STILL going???

tokyo: freshly confirmed on twitter - at 5 minutes and 40 seconds, adrien brody just broke the record for the longest acceptance speech in oscar history.

seven: he did not just say “please turn the music off, i’ve done this before” to the orchestra.

tokyo: you cannot subject cillian murphy to all that. he doesn’t deserve that. i mean, he’s here because… contractual obligation. he just wants to go home.

seven: that was more dull and boring than emilia perez.

tokyo: okay, this might be reaching it.

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seven: hold on. did they just cut to timothée chalamet while they were announcing best actress?

tokyo: oh my god, timmy, congratulations on your transition.

seven: they keep doing this. he is like the new leonardo dicaprio.

tokyo: i think he’d be great in drag, actually.

seven: what would his drag name be?

tokyo: lisa al-gayib.

seven: not even remotely funny.

tokyo: i know. i’m sorry.

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seven: nothing can beat al pacino presenting best picture last year.

tokyo: i LOVE al - just said "oppenheimer" like he had a divine vision without opening the envelope! he speaks for the people.

seven: i was ready to fight right then and there.

tokyo: are you serious? who else would you have rather won? poor things?

seven: anatomy of a fall, duh.

tokyo: this is absolutely not a “duh” moment. outright incorrect take.

seven: okay, fair enough.

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seven: again???

tokyo: i was dreading this exact result.

tokyo: you know, i came across this website a few weeks back. world wide web dot oscar hookers dot com. every oscar winner in the best actress and best supporting actress category has won because their role was a sex worker, or had strong affiliations to it. haunting isn’t it? we’re not even trying to hide it anymore.

seven: i just don’t see how anora could win best picture. i mean it’s good, it’s just not oscar-worthy.

tokyo: not when dune two is right there!!

seven: you and your dune.

tokyo: i’m not lying. villeneuve is a genius.

seven: haunting to think that sean baker’s got more oscars than david lynch.

tokyo: now i’m even more mad. fraudscars.

seven: i just thought we should all remember what we have done. we all have blood on our hands.

tokyo: i’m gonna need the academy to retroactively give david lynch twenty oscars or else i will personally fund a fraud investigation.

seven: i mean… they gave an honorary one to agnès varda.

tokyo: right. and she turned up in a gucci…thing. because she knew the whole thing was a joke. absolute legend.

seven: if lynch ever gets an honorary oscar i hope they just play the entirety of twin peaks in full right there in the award ceromony.

tokyo: and then they cut to timothée chalamet.

seven: obviously.